Sometimes I feel that the reason I get nervous giving talks, dread giving presentations, or get self-conscious in certain work-related situations, really all boils down to one thing: I'm not living true to myself.
Now that's a pretty harsh statement to make, and I don't mean it in all respects of my life. However, when it comes to my main line of work, I do feel like this at times (luckily, less so as I've gotten more in touch with my true spiritual essence).
Since I consider myself a person of substance, I naturally dislike when people over-index on style. In other words, the more people flaunt style, the more it repels me. So I certainly don't do that. But sometimes I do the opposite. I feel that because I don't truly love something with all my heart, anything I'd have to say wouldn't be true.
If you take those two characteristics - a dislike of style over substance, and a belief that because I don't love something, I'm not qualified - you end up with someone who closes in the face of situations where my voice is called upon or my help is requested.
Some might call this imposter syndrome.
If I reverse engineer why I dread certain work-related tasks or activities, I think it's because I believe that I'm not prepared. And I believe this because I just couldn't bring myself to do something I don't care about when there are things I actually do care so deeply about. It was the same situation for me in school. I could not stand to write papers or complete projects on things that I had zero interest in.
But then I ask myself, well shit, if the only reason I'm here is for the money, then how can I make money doing what I love? I know so many people ask themselves this question, but so many people fail to ever come up with an answer, let alone live a life true to that answer.
I'm finding what I love by writing.
While evolving spiritually has given me a new perspective on my normal line of work, I can't help but "get into the zone" while writing. Thoughts are able to flow freely, more so then they ever flow when I speak out loud, especially at work.
Now that I've found what I love - writing, going within, being my own boss, sharing my message, educating - I am exploring ways to monetize it so that I can focus 100% on it and not have to worry about where the money's going to come from. That way, I'll be able to deliver much more value to you, my fellow reader and substance seeker.
I don't want to waste people's time at work, especially if I'm not fully passionate and bought into what I'm doing. I understand that most people aren't, but some people are, and those people should certainly have the opportunity to develop their passion if they want.
Have you ever felt like a fraud, or like you didn't belong at a certain job? Why did you feel that way? Let me know in the comments.
Live with substance!